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When good leadership advice becomes yours

The podcaster—charismatic, fast-talking, more confident than experienced—drops this line:

“The strongest leaders aren’t in control. They’re in demand.”

It lands. You pause. Rewind. Send it to a colleague: Sound familiar?

You’ve been wanting to loosen your grip. To lead without doing it all yourself. To let your team step up.

So you try.

Next meeting, you step back. You listen. You wait.

Then things start to feel awkward. Someone hesitates.

And before you can stop yourself—you’re back in: summing up, redirecting, fixing.

What Just Happened?

Your reflexes kicked—without even noticing it.

It’s how you learned to lead—and how others expect you to lead.

So it’s no surprise that when pressure hits, the podcaster’s insight—“The strongest leaders aren’t in control”—vanishes.

You default to what you’ve always done: patterns rewarded and reinforced over decades.

That’s the part the podcaster didn’t mention.

Why the Spark Fades

Advice is everywhere. The why is convincing. The what makes sense.

But the how? That’s where it gets vague—like a recipe with no oven temperature.

If you really want to lead differently—and aren’t just caught up in a compelling soundbite—then you have to meet the system holding you in place, advises , a leadership coaching company in partnership with Brown University’s School of Professional Studies.

As Robert Kegan, Harvard developmental psychologist, put it: “Every system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets.”

Or as James Clear writes in “Atomic Habits”: “We don’t rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems.”

Any change—big or small—meets resistance. Neuroscience backs this: The basal ganglia—the part of the brain where habits live—lights up even when the rest of the brain is at rest. Which is why change can feel like swimming upstream.

We’re creatures of habit, and the people around us are used to relating to us in a certain way.

Think of the podcast line: “The strongest leaders aren’t in control. They’re in demand.” If you’ve built a habit of doing it yourself, it’s not just about the task—it’s about what it gives you. A sense of importance. Certainty. Proof you’re needed. Maybe you even enjoy it. But it also shapes your world: the pace you run at, the power dynamics in your relationships, and the way others see their role.

Before making a shift, ask:

• What am I getting from doing it myself—status, safety, satisfaction?
• What’s life actually like when I keep doing it—and when I don’t?
• What do others expect from me—and what might happen if I stopped?
• What feels risky about letting go?
• When I hesitate, what story am I telling myself about what will happen next?

Watch for:

• Reflexes that pull you back into old habits
• Others resisting or trying to restore the old dynamic
• Mixed signals between what you say and what you do
• Awkwardness before it feels natural
• The ripple—your change shifts the system around you

The hardest thing to let go of is what you thought kept you safe.

Change never happens in isolation—it touches your habits, your relationships, and your sense of self. Asking the right questions makes those shifts visible. Reflection gets you ready to face them.

So, when the spark hits, be ready to feed it—or watch it fade.

How to Build a Fire That Lasts

The podcaster provided the spark. A spark from someone else soon fades. If you want it to stick, you’ve got to make it yours. To find the fuel from within. Make your own meaning: Own it. Embody it. Envision it. Integrate it. This is repatterning.

What makes a change stick is more than intention—it’s repatterning.
That means reshaping the internal and external system that’s been keeping you in the loop.

Some things you can do to help make the change stick include:

• Name the pattern. Maybe it’s how you’re defining leadership: Leadership is about having the answers.
• Envision something better. How will my leadership be improved by letting go of control?
• Structure the shift. What structures need to be put in place to sustain the shift (reminders, journaling, friends, family, colleagues, coach).
• Commit to it. What are you saying yes to, and, just as importantly, what are you letting go of?
• Integrate the change. How is this impacting my overall leadership performance and quality of life?

They gave you the spark. You need to provide the fuel.

So—the soundbite landed. It lit you up. But sparks are cheap. If you want a fire, you need to chop the wood, through reflection, clear intention, and action that often feels uncomfortable. You’ll face resistance. Some days it will fizzle. You’ll need to relight it more than once.

If the change is worth it, it will touch your leadership identity. That’s the core of the fire—the part that gives it real heat.

Leaders in demand have their own fire burning. They’ve learned how to keep it alight.

So here’s the question: When the soundbite lands and the spark hits, how will you find the fuel to make it yours?

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